Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
