Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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