I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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