I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
