she looked like the before picture.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
