Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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