my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize