Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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