i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
