we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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