The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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