This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
