I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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