i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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