Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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