Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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