he shaved USA in his pubs
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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