He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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