Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
