My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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