instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
