Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
