yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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