so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
