You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize