Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
