im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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