just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
