Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
