The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wish i was in the wii world.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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