I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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