Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
