Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
