just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
