i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
