I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
