Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
