Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
