"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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