Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
