Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
