omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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