Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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