if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
