And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
