Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
