I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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