i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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