If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
