I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
