I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
