I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
