To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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