someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
