Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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