u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
