I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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