you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
