Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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